Procrastination.
Im hilariously inflicted.
On that note,
Here I am sharing a video blog I finished editing...
....nearly two years later than when it was first created...
...
:/
My First Week in Adelaide :)
Ah yes... About that project...
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Today is a good day.
I feel pretty great today.
Whether that is attributed to the weather, the excercise, the meds... I dont know. I am just ...really grateful and alive today.
I feel very awake, and as a result of that I've been making the most of it. Sitting in the sun, playing piano and guitar, reading scriptures and books without losing my focus- far out I have missed focus!!
Today I can focus and today I am hopeful.
Today I felt like I had to read and write.
Journal writing has always been important to me since the age of 11. I think I loved it so much because it was a place I could vent, a place I could preserve memories and a place I could always go to for laughs at things I used to do and to marvel at how much I had grown.
I stopped writing my journal last year. I'm sad and glad about it, I dont particularly want to remember or record the last few months. But on that note, today I decided to read my own blog.
You might remember this post: Dear Self.
Im so glad I wrote it when I did.
Ive forgotten my own advice and the person who wrote it.
I feel very blessed, happy and just... hopeful I guess. I remember how I felt when I wrote it. I havent felt like that in a very long time.
Its just proven to me how very wise the counsel to keep a journal is.
You might remember this talk from a few years ago (actually, this is five years old- WOAH time passes so fast!!) and if you do not, watch this:
Remember. Learn. Gratitude.
That's what journals are for. I've gone on to read my old journals- specifically, the times Ive recorded my own testimony and times where I've recognised the Lords hand in my life (it took a while as ALOT of my journals are full of the crushes on boys I've had and teenage dramas *face palm* LOL ).
These dark days are long. But they become brighter, clearer and hopeful when I can look back and see things with hindsight. Its crazy the things I've learnt, the things I'd forgot and the perspectives I used to have. Keeping a record of my days not only benefits myself, but in turn benefits the people Ill meet in days to come.
I think this is one of the very few times in life where looking back benefits your path forward.
We all seem to have a fascination with the past, our own world history because we want to learn from our past. Why not take that into your daily life- make a record of yourself, your feelings, beliefs, mistakes and successes. Learn from your own history.
Today is a good day, Im grateful for the words I have written in the past- it helps me be optimistic about the future.
Also, it's the first day of spring today.
If realizing that winter is over is something that doesn't make me cheery I don't know what is! :)
I feel pretty great today.
Whether that is attributed to the weather, the excercise, the meds... I dont know. I am just ...really grateful and alive today.
I feel very awake, and as a result of that I've been making the most of it. Sitting in the sun, playing piano and guitar, reading scriptures and books without losing my focus- far out I have missed focus!!
Today I can focus and today I am hopeful.
Today I felt like I had to read and write.
I stopped writing my journal last year. I'm sad and glad about it, I dont particularly want to remember or record the last few months. But on that note, today I decided to read my own blog.
You might remember this post: Dear Self.
Im so glad I wrote it when I did.
Ive forgotten my own advice and the person who wrote it.
I feel very blessed, happy and just... hopeful I guess. I remember how I felt when I wrote it. I havent felt like that in a very long time.
Its just proven to me how very wise the counsel to keep a journal is.
You might remember this talk from a few years ago (actually, this is five years old- WOAH time passes so fast!!) and if you do not, watch this:
Remember. Learn. Gratitude.
That's what journals are for. I've gone on to read my old journals- specifically, the times Ive recorded my own testimony and times where I've recognised the Lords hand in my life (it took a while as ALOT of my journals are full of the crushes on boys I've had and teenage dramas *face palm* LOL ).
These dark days are long. But they become brighter, clearer and hopeful when I can look back and see things with hindsight. Its crazy the things I've learnt, the things I'd forgot and the perspectives I used to have. Keeping a record of my days not only benefits myself, but in turn benefits the people Ill meet in days to come.
I think this is one of the very few times in life where looking back benefits your path forward.
We all seem to have a fascination with the past, our own world history because we want to learn from our past. Why not take that into your daily life- make a record of yourself, your feelings, beliefs, mistakes and successes. Learn from your own history.
Today is a good day, Im grateful for the words I have written in the past- it helps me be optimistic about the future.
Also, it's the first day of spring today.
If realizing that winter is over is something that doesn't make me cheery I don't know what is! :)
Thursday, August 30, 2012
It's always difficult to catch up.
Apologies in advance for being overly wordy!
April this year, I was diagnosed with severe Depression.
You know, Depression is way more common than I think any of us realize. In my world, Depression is prevalent throughout my extended and immediate family, making the chances of myself suffering from it higher than usual. But as many as one in five people will suffer from depression at some point in their lives. That's a crazy amount of people!! Many people are un-diagnosed for depression, and I hate to think what kind of life they must lead. Some people very close to me suffered un-diagnosed from depression for years, and those days are hard to remember for both them and anyone who was around them. Depression can happen to anyone of any age, including children!
'If you notice any behavioural changes that last for more than two weeks in yourself, family members or friends, then it is worth asking if the person may be depressed.
Common behaviour associated with depression includes:
This is all just copied from beyondblue.org.au but there are tonnes of other sites with information. For my purposes I'm just going to talk about the aspects of depression that have affected me.
Later in this post, Ill describe which actions from other people have helped and what hasn't, but if you want to skip to it, scroll down to 'My Road to Recovery: Whats helped, What Hasn't.'
Realizing I was depressed:
From what I understand from other people's experiences, every persons depression is different. One persons battle isn't the same as the next though we suffer from the same mental illness.
Some depression sufferers have had it their entire lives- its a genetically passed on chemical in-balance in their brain, where as some, like me... their depression bouts are purely circumstantial.
Though I was diagnosed in April, Id been feeling terrible for about 6 months before that and looking back, it's difficult to pin-point where the depression started, but if I had to place the beginning Id say about the middle of 2011. For those who knew me before then, they'd always tell me that I was 'the happiest person they knew', they 'could never imagine me angry' and that I was 'always so bright and bubbly and nice to everyone'. If you've been reading this blog, you can kind of see I was fairly optimistic, and you can see the tone of my blog posts decline from being positive to just pitiful.
For me, I began noticing I was having trouble with my energy levels. I was exhausted. Id come home from a day at Uni and fall into bed and wake up late for my class the next day and even then I'd fall asleep during my lectures. No amount of sleep was every enough and eventually I couldn't sleep anymore and my sleeping habits bordered on insomnia.
Then it started to become harder and harder to focus on what was being taught, if I wasn't falling asleep Id be kind of restless, fidgety and agitated and I couldn't keep up. Its like when you read a book when you're tired and suddenly you realize you've re-read the same sentence 20 times and you still don't know what it said- imagine that happening in real life when people are talking to you. It was like a fog had descended on my brain, slowing everything down and made learning feel like I was wading through tar with rocks tied to my feet. I kept getting further and further behind and when I tried to study on my own, the same restlessness and unfocused mindset was prevalent so Id give up in frustration. I'd complain to my friends that I was 'stupid' and that I was 'actually dumber than I used to be' and I couldn't understand why I wasn't learning like I always had.
Even the little things I fought hard to learn against the fog in my head, I found I couldn't remember. My short term memory was largely affected and Ive found even my long term memory has been affected too. It was hard to remember what I had done the day before or remember something important a friend or loved one had confided in me. They'd get hurt by my forgetfulness, thinking I never listened to them.
Eventually, my attendance at University became the bare minimum as I found that I studied better outside (luckily all my courses were posted online) and felt incredibly panicked and claustrophobic in doors so when exams rolled around, I ended up failing two and barely passing the others. This threw me into low spirits, which eventually morphed into a kind of 'dont care' negative attitude.
During this time, I lost interest in what I was studying, but I thought that was because I was just changing my mind about the future Ive wanted my entire life. But not only did I lose interest in Uni, I lost interest in other things I loved to do- I stopped singing and writing music, I stopped reading books, I stopped exercising and painting. It was so hard to do any of them, I hated doing them in the end.
I also put on 20kgs in a year, which was attributed to not eating for a while and then suddenly scarfing down noodles or fast food. I'd get sick with worry over tiny things, issues with friends, my relationship, money or family and not eat anything or throw up. My body went into starvation mode.
Little trials became big, and Big trials became unbearable.
I hated waking up everyday. Most days I woke up and wished I didn't, wishing I had died in my sleep. The days were always so dark, the only things I looked forward to was seeing my boyfriend and friends. Even then, I didn't even want to do that much, I just did it to please them sometimes. I knew I loved my friends and family dearly but I was just so exhausted some days that I was too tired to even talk. It was hard to explain to them why I was so tired and drained- I didn't even know why myself. I hated that I was hurting them and making them unhappy almost more than I hated myself. But whenever I tried to keep them happy and still be around them I destroyed myself.
There was this constant war inside me, a trembling seismic earth quake in every cell of my body, in my head. This is the hardest to explain. I was always uneasy and felt so out of control and sick to my core. My head was spiraling- worse than spiraling- like every thought, every memory I ever had suddenly decided to abandon ship in the middle of a blackout and got stuck continually colliding, breaking against each other in the dark chaos of escape. This is constant. This is inescapable. Made dying seem like the only option for peace sometimes. In those times of hopelessness I made sure I called someone or something- The desire to not disappoint my family, friends and Heavenly Father was what saved my life some days.
Throughout my life I've always been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel despite how bad the trial I was going through was right then. I always had hope that it'd be alright in the the end, and though Id cry a little and have a typical whinge from time to time- I was optimistic. My days were happy. So its difficult to understand why it only took all these little trails to take my hope away.
I think that's probably one of the worst parts of it, that for the very first time in my life I have no hope. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I'm asked what I want to do or where I imagine I'll be in 5, 10, 20 years... I cant tell them. Because I literally can't see... I try to imagine and its like... where there is supposed to be a dark tunnel ... instead there is a consuming endless wall in my way... I cant imagine what will be tomorrow, in a week, in a month even.
In early March, after my friends snapping at me, telling me to get help, I finally tried to for their sake. It took five goes to actually work up the courage to sit in the doctors waiting room alone and trembling, waiting for my name to be called so I could tell a qualified stranger that I felt I was depressed.
That moment, thus far, was the single most terrifying moment of my life. I don't know why I felt the way I did, but I was utterly terrified. I could barely choke out the words, I couldn't breathe, I felt claustrophobic and my heart rate sky-rocketed. I was entirely alone and I was terrified because I didn't have control or the strength to alone finally face the monster in my head by telling someone about it. I realise how incredibly blessed I am in that somehow I got through it.
But I came out of the doctors that day with a test to do, which took another month before I worked up enough courage to return it on my own.
Finally. April 2012, I was diagnosed with severe depression.
The Science Behind the Symptoms of Depression:
Alot of the reason behind my panic attacks, though I realize triggers for panic attacks vary between each person, was that I had no control and didn't understand what was happening to me. Its a truly terrifying thing, to lose your mind so completely that your body loses its control and you are lost in an out of control limbo for the duration of an attack. Something that I've noticed in my conversations with people who are experiencing what I'm experiencing, is that none of them know the actual science behind the symptoms they suffer from. Why is this so?! I think its been phenomenal in helping me on my road to recovery, to actually know whats happening to me.
Its been very difficult to find the why in actual articles and reputed sources, as Depression is still in the midst of on-going research but I'll share what I have found as well as what Ive been told.
My psychologist has been fantastic in explaining things. She has explained to me what actually happens to the brain when depression sets in. The brain's activity is dramatically reduced- A person with depression can lose up to 20 IQ points, (from being an A+ student to almost mentally disabled). Only parts of your brain functions- the parts that keeps you alive.
This also explains why you cannot remember things very well and find it difficult to express yourself in an understandable way- and pretty much why you can't function anymore and why your capacity to handle living is next to zero.
When I went to the Doctors the first time, I was kind of brushed aside with some prescribed 'happy pills'. Drugs didn't really make any difference to me, if anything they made life worse. I didn't have lows, but I didn't have highs either. I was suspended in time, not feeling anything or progressing at all. It was like any capacity I had to feel anything had flat lined. I was numb.
Apparently, I was on the wrong drug dose according to my doctor, but regardless, I hated the drugs and got off them as soon as I could. However, the antidepressants are supposed to give you a head space- help to reactivate your brain. Probably the best sort of lay mans explanation for the effects of anti-depressants is found here.
I was given a blood test when I first came home, being tested for hypothyroidism and any deficiencies in my blood that attributes to depression and being chronically fatigued.
Something my doctor also explained to me was that the reason all these things were happening in my body was because I'd undergone a 'stress-induced change in my thinking patterns and in my biochemistry.' My body was just doing whatever it could to protect itself from the stress I was inflicting.
There are loads more symptoms that are experienced in depression but, Ive only talked about the few big ones that have affected me.
Ask your doctor/psychologist about whats actually happening to you or a person you know who is depressed. It does wonders for your understanding.
My Road to Recovery: What's Helped, What Hasn't.
There are good days and bad days. Good days I feel almost normal, I can laugh easier, I have motivation and I want to talk. Bad days are - well- Bad days. I don't remember those days well. I cant function properly. I hate noise, talking and moving from my bed. I don't want to be awake- The fog turns to tar and I'm lost... I've figured out ways to battle and function on bad days- but I'm a really mean, exhausted and negative person to be around. My bad days are becoming fewer and farther in between, less severe as time drags on which I'm grateful for.
Its taken me about a month or more to finish this blog post, using whatever energy I have on good days to write. I can express myself alot better than a few months ago, and alot better than most persons I know who are depressed, so I thought Id fight the fog to write this out. Its important to me.
I don't even know where to start here. But I'll do my best.
The Sun. Getting outside and being in nature with the sun out is like... Superman recovering from kryptonite (For all you nerds out there!). Its one of the few things that revives motivation in me.
Being around animals helps alot too. I'm not going to lie, people exhaust me and Ive not figured out why just yet. I can laugh to myself sometimes- I now think that those crazy cat ladies are living the good life!! ;) ha ha.
The things that Ill mention that haven't helped- I'm dreadfully sorry if they come across a bit rant-ish.
Time Pressure: So, I was told not to put a time limit on me getting better (which I did of course but it was obvious I wouldn't live up to any goals I put on myself- they were always unrealistic) but after getting over not putting a limit on myself, I had other people putting limits on me. People affect me hugely and it destroys me having their disappointment at my progress hovering over my head whenever I speak to them. I ended up deleting my Facebook account to escape every ones demands on me, which is a drastic reaction but I'm absolutely loving being off the radar.
Which brings me to Social Networking and Media, both these things MASSIVELY affect my mental state. Having Facebook made me feel horrible. I dreaded having to go on there- just because I'm frustrated with people hurting each other and being so petty and vain- it infuriated me. It was also a source of pressure for me, pressure and drama from friends and family that I just can't deal with anymore. I only kept it to please extended family and friends, so they could keep tabs on me. I've gotten rid of it and honestly, I don't miss it. I figured the people that matter will call or write. The movies and music I listen to also has a big effect. More so, the music. On bad days, I can't listen to any kind of music. On good days, listening to slow, sad tunes can turn that day into a bad one. I absolutely love the song 'Banana Pancakes' by Jack Johnson. It used to be my alarm in high school and college and now whenever I feel dreadful, I listen to that and it just makes me feel better and chirpy.
Being told to 'Be happy'. When people find out you are depressed, I can understand why their natural reaction would be to tell me to 'be happy'. But this is me telling you now (and i know I'm not the only one who feels this way) - Its the most useless and idiotic thing you could ever say to a person who is depressed. If just suddenly deciding to 'Be happy' was an option, don't you think we'd do it?! What are we working for EVERYDAY? Why do we still live?? Why do you think we are popping happy pills?? Its the silliest thing in the world to try and shove 'life is beautiful' 'be positive' and things like that down my throat! Seriously, it actually makes me feel more despondent and frustrated whenever I hear that... because I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm so so tired. Its just an unnecessary reminder that I'm NOT happy. I'm sure people mean well, and I know that's how they perceive life- but its honestly the stupidest thing. Posting 'Dont worry, Be happy' videos and 'be present, life is beautiful, Life is a hard journey, but its worth it' pictures or quotes on Facebook or emails- Emails I just delete. I only 'like' the posts on Facebook to acknowledge I've seen them. But the truth is I hate them. They make me feel terrible. I'm oversensitive about the time slipping away. Those 'be happy' messages just make me feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not okay. I'm not happy. What helps me is the encouraging and supportive messages like 'I'm here for you. I think you're worth it.' 'This wont last forever' 'You'll be okay again someday Bek' and just listening. That's what helps- No matter how many 'be positive' emails you send me or how many times you give me a 'be happy' speech is not going to change my situation or benefit me in any way. From what I've learnt so far, my recovery and being happy again is something Ill find at my own pace. Not someone else's.
Over-exposure to people. Being around people too much triggers bad days and down periods for me. I lose control whenever I spend more than a few hours around them. The panic sets in and Ill exhaust myself trying to prevent a panic attack from taking over. A few hours is fine but any more than that and Ill suffer from severe bad days they last from a few days to a few weeks.
I think its because I'm so sensitive to peoples feelings now. Especially negative ones. I cannot stand selfishness and cruelty. Conflict and violence triggers panic attacks. I'm angry and hurt when people are sad or suffering. I hate gossipers and those people who have to make other people feel small so they can feel better about themselves. I can't stand bullies. I can't stand those people that judge so easily and accept so little. I hate seeing people suffer- especially at the hands of someone else. Sadly, all these are incredibly common among people -its common human frailty- and I don't know how to deal with how I feel about that now. Its one of the biggest and very basic things about me that has changed now. People aren't the beautiful, creative and kind beings I thought they always were. I see them for what they are- their failings and trespasses against each other. I'm disgusted at what I see now. But I'm slowly relearning to look at them with understanding and accepting that they are going to hurt each other no matter what but they will still do lovely kind things sometimes.... but its difficult to deal with going from seeing the best to the worst. I don't know how to balance it.
Pushing myself too hard. The reason I'm like this is because ontop of overwhelming circumstances- I pushed it too hard and bit off more than I could chew!! Now I still try to take on things before I'm ready. I decided I was ready to get back into the social scene, thinking Id be okay. I attended a YSA activity that went for a whole day and that proved to just entirely waste me and caused me to be thrown into a downer -made me go backwards rather than forwards- along with one of the biggest panic attacks Ive ever experienced. So I'm more careful now as to what I can and cant handle.
A Long Road...
That's all I can say right now- which is ALOT. Congratulations for reading all the way down to this point! Ask me anything- If i see you or if you hear from me in any way - means the day is still good. You wont see me or hear from me on bad days. Its stressful to talk about- I tremble alot, but I like to talk about it, it relieves pressure. Though I find it very awkward to tell people whats happening with me now because well, nothing is happening apart from this depression and trying new things to enjoy life like painting projects, online stores and volunteer work at animal organisations and stables. I don't know what to say- I'm a very bluntly honest kind of person unfortunately and I struggle with hiding the truth from people I like (which is like 90% of people despite my disgust at people lowering that number), so I'm sorry if I've blurted it out awkwardly to you. I really just don't know what to say because people usually react negatively to you if you just tell them straight up whats really going on- like Depression is a contagious disease and you're spreading it. I'm truly grateful to the people who don't treat me differently. It makes socialising easier and less exhausting.
I'm still recovering. I'm getting better everyday. Fighting my demons one at a time. I'm exercising, I'm taking meds again and I don't know when Ill be okay again. I don't know who I'm going to be at the end of this. But I know now- well I HOPE now- that there will be an ending. That's progress. And I'm so grateful for just that little bit of hope. Its hard to accept that this isn't a short term thing. I'm so impatient at times and that seems to have intensified in that I get really frustrated that I'm not well by now. I'm angry alot- at my situation, at my actions, at my progress. But there is progress, though it may be slow...
Its a long road indeed.
A very long road...
I'm going to attempt to catch you up on what's happened, but so much has happened I don't know where or how to start.
I find it very difficult to express myself, to explain how I feel or what I think, I just hope everyday that someone will understand what I'm trying to say...
Apologies in advance for being overly wordy!
I'm going to tell you a story... where the ending isn't decided yet.
April this year, I was diagnosed with severe Depression.
About Depression:
'Depression is more than just a low mood - it's a serious illness. While we all feel sad, moody or low from time to time, some people experience these feelings intensely, for long periods of time and often without reason. People with depression find it hard to function every day and may be reluctant to participate in activities they once enjoyed.'
You know, Depression is way more common than I think any of us realize. In my world, Depression is prevalent throughout my extended and immediate family, making the chances of myself suffering from it higher than usual. But as many as one in five people will suffer from depression at some point in their lives. That's a crazy amount of people!! Many people are un-diagnosed for depression, and I hate to think what kind of life they must lead. Some people very close to me suffered un-diagnosed from depression for years, and those days are hard to remember for both them and anyone who was around them. Depression can happen to anyone of any age, including children!
Because of that, I think its incredibly important to really notice each other, really take time to check on the people around you. No one should have to go through it alone.
Common behaviour associated with depression includes:
- moodiness that is out of character
- finding it hard to take minor personal criticisms
- spending less time with friends and family
- loss of interest in food, exercise or other pleasurable activities
- being awake throughout the night
- difficulty concentrating
- staying home from work or school
- increased physical health complaints like fatigue or pain
- being reckless or taking unnecessary risks (e.g. driving fast or dangerously)
- slowing down of thoughts and actions.'
This is all just copied from beyondblue.org.au but there are tonnes of other sites with information. For my purposes I'm just going to talk about the aspects of depression that have affected me.
Being around people with depression:
Its hard to understand what depression is and how it feels unless you've experienced it yourself. I used to think I understood, because I read a pamphlet or talked to someone who had it. I thought it was something you could get over quickly if you stuck to the gospel and looked for the positive things in life... kind of with the attitude of 'why don't they just suck it up and stop making excuses. Their happiness is THEIR choice, they're just making a big deal of nothing'.
Really, I had no idea. Because of that, I did feel frustrated with friends who just refused to see the sunshine that was so clearly shining on them and was angry with family members that suffered because I thought they were being dramatic, just attention-seeking. I mean really, how could you hurt the people you loved just to have your melt-down and destroy things like that? How can you NOT know whats happening and be unable control yourself? Its just something they made up in their head, as an excuse to be lazy or to act selfishly.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't entirely ruthless and unforgiving like that, that was just how it felt after it had dragged on. I like to think that I have a lot of compassion for people, and really mourned with those who mourned, but the truth is that wore incredibly thin when their 'illness' started hurting other people constantly.
 |
| Depression is a silent war, hidden from sight. |
I felt incredible sadness for them, prayed for them incessantly, listened where I could and tried my best to understand. But my patience always ran out after a few months and Id feel frustrated that they hadn't 'gotten better' by then. My frustration came from misunderstanding. I cannot say, that how I acted around people who suffered was very good. Knowing what I know now, Ive definitely been face-palming when I remember what I did.
beyondblue has a list of things to do when around someone with depression:
'It's not always easy to help someone who may be experiencing depression. It can be hard to know what to say or do. Below are some tips.
- Talk to the person about how they're feeling.
- Listen to what the person says - sometimes, when a person wants to talk, they're not always seeking advice, but just need to talk about their concerns.
- Maintain eye contact and sit in a relaxed position - positive body language will help both people feel more comfortable.
- Use open-ended questions such as "So tell me about...?" which require more than a 'yes' or 'no' answer. This is often a good way to start a conversation.
- If conversation becomes difficult or if the person with depression gets angry, stay calm, be firm, fair and consistent and don't lose control.
- Often, just spending time with the person lets them know someone cares and understands them.
- Encourage the person to seek professional help from their family doctor or a mental health worker.
- Take care of yourself. Supporting someone with depression can be demanding. Family and friends should take 'time out' to look after themselves.
Later in this post, Ill describe which actions from other people have helped and what hasn't, but if you want to skip to it, scroll down to 'My Road to Recovery: Whats helped, What Hasn't.'
Realizing I was depressed:
From what I understand from other people's experiences, every persons depression is different. One persons battle isn't the same as the next though we suffer from the same mental illness.
Some depression sufferers have had it their entire lives- its a genetically passed on chemical in-balance in their brain, where as some, like me... their depression bouts are purely circumstantial.
 |
| This is my attempt at expressing myself. Fail. I tried to depict the chaos behind my eyes. |
For me, I began noticing I was having trouble with my energy levels. I was exhausted. Id come home from a day at Uni and fall into bed and wake up late for my class the next day and even then I'd fall asleep during my lectures. No amount of sleep was every enough and eventually I couldn't sleep anymore and my sleeping habits bordered on insomnia.
Then it started to become harder and harder to focus on what was being taught, if I wasn't falling asleep Id be kind of restless, fidgety and agitated and I couldn't keep up. Its like when you read a book when you're tired and suddenly you realize you've re-read the same sentence 20 times and you still don't know what it said- imagine that happening in real life when people are talking to you. It was like a fog had descended on my brain, slowing everything down and made learning feel like I was wading through tar with rocks tied to my feet. I kept getting further and further behind and when I tried to study on my own, the same restlessness and unfocused mindset was prevalent so Id give up in frustration. I'd complain to my friends that I was 'stupid' and that I was 'actually dumber than I used to be' and I couldn't understand why I wasn't learning like I always had.
Even the little things I fought hard to learn against the fog in my head, I found I couldn't remember. My short term memory was largely affected and Ive found even my long term memory has been affected too. It was hard to remember what I had done the day before or remember something important a friend or loved one had confided in me. They'd get hurt by my forgetfulness, thinking I never listened to them.
Eventually, my attendance at University became the bare minimum as I found that I studied better outside (luckily all my courses were posted online) and felt incredibly panicked and claustrophobic in doors so when exams rolled around, I ended up failing two and barely passing the others. This threw me into low spirits, which eventually morphed into a kind of 'dont care' negative attitude.
During this time, I lost interest in what I was studying, but I thought that was because I was just changing my mind about the future Ive wanted my entire life. But not only did I lose interest in Uni, I lost interest in other things I loved to do- I stopped singing and writing music, I stopped reading books, I stopped exercising and painting. It was so hard to do any of them, I hated doing them in the end.
I also put on 20kgs in a year, which was attributed to not eating for a while and then suddenly scarfing down noodles or fast food. I'd get sick with worry over tiny things, issues with friends, my relationship, money or family and not eat anything or throw up. My body went into starvation mode.
Little trials became big, and Big trials became unbearable.
I hated waking up everyday. Most days I woke up and wished I didn't, wishing I had died in my sleep. The days were always so dark, the only things I looked forward to was seeing my boyfriend and friends. Even then, I didn't even want to do that much, I just did it to please them sometimes. I knew I loved my friends and family dearly but I was just so exhausted some days that I was too tired to even talk. It was hard to explain to them why I was so tired and drained- I didn't even know why myself. I hated that I was hurting them and making them unhappy almost more than I hated myself. But whenever I tried to keep them happy and still be around them I destroyed myself.
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| I don't even know what to say about this. I painted this trying to release some of the darkness that had invaded- like a virus. So I guess that's what I was trying to paint? |
I had two church callings that I used to look forward to that became terrible burdens though they were relatively simple. I remember trying to talk to my Bishop about it, but I came out of it with another task from him and feeling like I hadn't been heard. Wasn't his fault though, it was my incapability of expressing the growing darkness in my head and my heart.
I'm a fairly prideful person in that its difficult for me to accept help and I hate it if anyone treats me as someone incapable. So throughout my mental deterioration, all my energy was spent keeping up a good facade for my friends and family. To me, I was just lazy and weak and I had to try harder. I was increasingly angry with myself because I physically and mentally couldn't serve others hardly at all anymore and this reduced me into breaking down and having frequent panic attacks. Secretly I was desperately wishing someone would notice and take the weight off my back... but the desire to be reliable and strong in others eyes was much stronger than my silent pleas for help. I didn't want anyone to see what was happening to me and I guess I was afraid if I said anything, it would make it real. I was in denial I guess. I still struggle with not wasting energy on trying to act like I'm doing way better than I am, and sometimes people believe it. So when it matters, I find it difficult to be honest in saying the truth of how bad it really is... I just have this need to put on a show and hide the truth. This blog post is kind of another attempt at saying things how they actually are and not sugar-coating anything.
Trying to explain what I was feeling to my friends and family was the hardest thing in the world, when my head wasn't sluggish and in a fog, it was like a TV that only plays white noise. I couldn't explain most of the time why I reacted the way I did and why I was incredibly over-sensitive. I didn't realize what I was doing until after the craziness was over and Id punish myself, asking 'why did i do that? Why is it such a big deal? Why did i say that, that's so silly!?'. Whenever I was alone I'd freak out and break down wondering what was wrong with me and hating myself for who I was. I started hurting people around me un-intentionally because I was so unstable, and any energy that I had left after hauling myself out of bed everyday, I spent on pretending to be happy so I wouldn't hurt anyone. You cant hide it forever though, the cracks will start showing and people WILL notice. I did talk with my closest friend (who also shares my name) Bekah about how I felt and we talked about the probability that I might be depressed but I guess I just found it difficult to accept that that's was the reason behind all these changes in me. I talked with my boyfriend about it a little, but I felt I had to keep up the happy show for him the most because he reacted the worst to how unhappy I had become. He ended up breaking up with me anyway because I was so all over the place all the time, I didn't talk to him and I wouldn't accept his answers to all my problems. I was incapable of explaining to him what was happening with me, even after being diagnosed. He'd get frustrated and angry because he didn't understand me... But I didn't understand myself. I didn't need him to give me answers, I needed him to just listen and just BE there. In my opinion, I think being in a relationship is either the best thing or the worst thing for you if you are depressed. The effect of your partner on your recovery is HUGE because they matter so much to you emotionally and depression so largely affects your emotions. In my case, being in a relationship was the worst thing for me. I hurt him alot, I made him mad alot and I became a problem in his life rather than a blessing. I'm sensitive to conflict and we were always in conflict. I loved him but that's just not enough when you lose yourself in the wake of a mental illness.
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| My sister is a phenomenal artist, I love this self portrait she did, check it out: http://jessbradbury.blogspot.com.au/2011/12/sharing-something-personal.html |
Throughout my life I've always been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel despite how bad the trial I was going through was right then. I always had hope that it'd be alright in the the end, and though Id cry a little and have a typical whinge from time to time- I was optimistic. My days were happy. So its difficult to understand why it only took all these little trails to take my hope away.
I think that's probably one of the worst parts of it, that for the very first time in my life I have no hope. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I'm asked what I want to do or where I imagine I'll be in 5, 10, 20 years... I cant tell them. Because I literally can't see... I try to imagine and its like... where there is supposed to be a dark tunnel ... instead there is a consuming endless wall in my way... I cant imagine what will be tomorrow, in a week, in a month even.
In early March, after my friends snapping at me, telling me to get help, I finally tried to for their sake. It took five goes to actually work up the courage to sit in the doctors waiting room alone and trembling, waiting for my name to be called so I could tell a qualified stranger that I felt I was depressed.
That moment, thus far, was the single most terrifying moment of my life. I don't know why I felt the way I did, but I was utterly terrified. I could barely choke out the words, I couldn't breathe, I felt claustrophobic and my heart rate sky-rocketed. I was entirely alone and I was terrified because I didn't have control or the strength to alone finally face the monster in my head by telling someone about it. I realise how incredibly blessed I am in that somehow I got through it.
But I came out of the doctors that day with a test to do, which took another month before I worked up enough courage to return it on my own.
Finally. April 2012, I was diagnosed with severe depression.
The Science Behind the Symptoms of Depression:
Alot of the reason behind my panic attacks, though I realize triggers for panic attacks vary between each person, was that I had no control and didn't understand what was happening to me. Its a truly terrifying thing, to lose your mind so completely that your body loses its control and you are lost in an out of control limbo for the duration of an attack. Something that I've noticed in my conversations with people who are experiencing what I'm experiencing, is that none of them know the actual science behind the symptoms they suffer from. Why is this so?! I think its been phenomenal in helping me on my road to recovery, to actually know whats happening to me.
Its been very difficult to find the why in actual articles and reputed sources, as Depression is still in the midst of on-going research but I'll share what I have found as well as what Ive been told.
My psychologist has been fantastic in explaining things. She has explained to me what actually happens to the brain when depression sets in. The brain's activity is dramatically reduced- A person with depression can lose up to 20 IQ points, (from being an A+ student to almost mentally disabled). Only parts of your brain functions- the parts that keeps you alive.
When I went to the Doctors the first time, I was kind of brushed aside with some prescribed 'happy pills'. Drugs didn't really make any difference to me, if anything they made life worse. I didn't have lows, but I didn't have highs either. I was suspended in time, not feeling anything or progressing at all. It was like any capacity I had to feel anything had flat lined. I was numb.
Apparently, I was on the wrong drug dose according to my doctor, but regardless, I hated the drugs and got off them as soon as I could. However, the antidepressants are supposed to give you a head space- help to reactivate your brain. Probably the best sort of lay mans explanation for the effects of anti-depressants is found here.
I was given a blood test when I first came home, being tested for hypothyroidism and any deficiencies in my blood that attributes to depression and being chronically fatigued.
Something my doctor also explained to me was that the reason all these things were happening in my body was because I'd undergone a 'stress-induced change in my thinking patterns and in my biochemistry.' My body was just doing whatever it could to protect itself from the stress I was inflicting.
There are loads more symptoms that are experienced in depression but, Ive only talked about the few big ones that have affected me.
Ask your doctor/psychologist about whats actually happening to you or a person you know who is depressed. It does wonders for your understanding.
My Road to Recovery: What's Helped, What Hasn't.
There are good days and bad days. Good days I feel almost normal, I can laugh easier, I have motivation and I want to talk. Bad days are - well- Bad days. I don't remember those days well. I cant function properly. I hate noise, talking and moving from my bed. I don't want to be awake- The fog turns to tar and I'm lost... I've figured out ways to battle and function on bad days- but I'm a really mean, exhausted and negative person to be around. My bad days are becoming fewer and farther in between, less severe as time drags on which I'm grateful for.
Its taken me about a month or more to finish this blog post, using whatever energy I have on good days to write. I can express myself alot better than a few months ago, and alot better than most persons I know who are depressed, so I thought Id fight the fog to write this out. Its important to me.
I don't even know where to start here. But I'll do my best.
The Sun. Getting outside and being in nature with the sun out is like... Superman recovering from kryptonite (For all you nerds out there!). Its one of the few things that revives motivation in me.
Exercise. I used to love to run, and that's something that having the chronic fatigue side of depression has taken from me. When I can run, its going to be a good day that day. Something about getting my heartbeat up and feeling the wind on my face just revives my faith in the beauty of life.
Taking magnesium, potassium and vitamin D supplements has helped the fatigue alot and just changing my eating habits. Ive started a new diet to fix my sudden weight gain and that is pretty much very basic healthy eating- greens, vegetables and good meats like chicken, fish and non-marbled beef. Its improved more than just my weight and fatigue- its cleared my skin, made me feel less sluggish and started repairing the damage I inflicted on my body last year.
Its been recommended to me to go back on the antidepressants, and though they did not help me before, I'm at the point now where I really don't care what they do- I'm tired of being so out of control. So I'm still undecided about that- time will tell.
Things that have really benefited me has alot to do with my faith and trust in the Lord.
Ive had healing blessings that gave me the ability to sleep again. Its become much easier to fight to get well now I can rest.
Also, reading my patriarchal blessing has given me a few rays of hope. I cannot see or hope for my own future in the wake of this- the first time in my life this is so. That really stresses me out and brings me down, not knowing what I'm even working for or where I'm going. But reading my PB has given me faith that even though I cannot see whats going to happen tomorrow, a month or a few years from now, at least the Lord knows and if I can remember that I'm not so frightened or concerned about moving in this direction or that.Being around animals helps alot too. I'm not going to lie, people exhaust me and Ive not figured out why just yet. I can laugh to myself sometimes- I now think that those crazy cat ladies are living the good life!! ;) ha ha.
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| When I paint, Barma sleeps in a storage box at my feet- too cute! |
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| Animal's unconditional love is soothing and consistent. This little guy- He's a ratbag but Barma thinks I'm great no matter my mood. |
I find that I feel best around people who don't expect anything from me. I know its probably in my head, but i have this incessant need to have to help people, to just please them without really acknowledging the expense that takes from me. There are very few people that I feel I don't have to work so hard around, but that's one of my issues I guess... Animals however are very pure, like small children, they don't demand more than they need and so its easy and uplifting to be around them.
Seeing a Psychologist. I was REALLY reluctant and scared to go to the psychologist. I felt even more defeated than usual, like I couldn't fix myself therefore, I was weak. I fought with my doctor and other peoples recommendations about going, insisting I didn't need it. But I'm so glad I finally bit the bullet and went. Its been such a relief to just... let some things out and be confident in the fact that she's going to know how to help me get through the mess of my thoughts to a solution. Psychologists are phenomenal.
Listening to General Conference- okay, so this is a weird one. Its not what they are speaking about really- Sometimes I can focus on what they are actually talking about -but mostly I just like how it makes me feel. The sound of their voices is one of the most comforting sounds... I had a huge panic attack at church one day and when I got home all I wanted was to hear them, not listen to them, just hear them and it calmed me down and cleared my head and made it possible for me to sleep again.The things that Ill mention that haven't helped- I'm dreadfully sorry if they come across a bit rant-ish.
Time Pressure: So, I was told not to put a time limit on me getting better (which I did of course but it was obvious I wouldn't live up to any goals I put on myself- they were always unrealistic) but after getting over not putting a limit on myself, I had other people putting limits on me. People affect me hugely and it destroys me having their disappointment at my progress hovering over my head whenever I speak to them. I ended up deleting my Facebook account to escape every ones demands on me, which is a drastic reaction but I'm absolutely loving being off the radar.
Which brings me to Social Networking and Media, both these things MASSIVELY affect my mental state. Having Facebook made me feel horrible. I dreaded having to go on there- just because I'm frustrated with people hurting each other and being so petty and vain- it infuriated me. It was also a source of pressure for me, pressure and drama from friends and family that I just can't deal with anymore. I only kept it to please extended family and friends, so they could keep tabs on me. I've gotten rid of it and honestly, I don't miss it. I figured the people that matter will call or write. The movies and music I listen to also has a big effect. More so, the music. On bad days, I can't listen to any kind of music. On good days, listening to slow, sad tunes can turn that day into a bad one. I absolutely love the song 'Banana Pancakes' by Jack Johnson. It used to be my alarm in high school and college and now whenever I feel dreadful, I listen to that and it just makes me feel better and chirpy.
Being told to 'Be happy'. When people find out you are depressed, I can understand why their natural reaction would be to tell me to 'be happy'. But this is me telling you now (and i know I'm not the only one who feels this way) - Its the most useless and idiotic thing you could ever say to a person who is depressed. If just suddenly deciding to 'Be happy' was an option, don't you think we'd do it?! What are we working for EVERYDAY? Why do we still live?? Why do you think we are popping happy pills?? Its the silliest thing in the world to try and shove 'life is beautiful' 'be positive' and things like that down my throat! Seriously, it actually makes me feel more despondent and frustrated whenever I hear that... because I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm so so tired. Its just an unnecessary reminder that I'm NOT happy. I'm sure people mean well, and I know that's how they perceive life- but its honestly the stupidest thing. Posting 'Dont worry, Be happy' videos and 'be present, life is beautiful, Life is a hard journey, but its worth it' pictures or quotes on Facebook or emails- Emails I just delete. I only 'like' the posts on Facebook to acknowledge I've seen them. But the truth is I hate them. They make me feel terrible. I'm oversensitive about the time slipping away. Those 'be happy' messages just make me feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not okay. I'm not happy. What helps me is the encouraging and supportive messages like 'I'm here for you. I think you're worth it.' 'This wont last forever' 'You'll be okay again someday Bek' and just listening. That's what helps- No matter how many 'be positive' emails you send me or how many times you give me a 'be happy' speech is not going to change my situation or benefit me in any way. From what I've learnt so far, my recovery and being happy again is something Ill find at my own pace. Not someone else's.
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| I used to draw cartoons when I was restless in a church meeting or something to help focus my mind. I tried it to express myself again- This is... well... You decide. |
I think its because I'm so sensitive to peoples feelings now. Especially negative ones. I cannot stand selfishness and cruelty. Conflict and violence triggers panic attacks. I'm angry and hurt when people are sad or suffering. I hate gossipers and those people who have to make other people feel small so they can feel better about themselves. I can't stand bullies. I can't stand those people that judge so easily and accept so little. I hate seeing people suffer- especially at the hands of someone else. Sadly, all these are incredibly common among people -its common human frailty- and I don't know how to deal with how I feel about that now. Its one of the biggest and very basic things about me that has changed now. People aren't the beautiful, creative and kind beings I thought they always were. I see them for what they are- their failings and trespasses against each other. I'm disgusted at what I see now. But I'm slowly relearning to look at them with understanding and accepting that they are going to hurt each other no matter what but they will still do lovely kind things sometimes.... but its difficult to deal with going from seeing the best to the worst. I don't know how to balance it.
Pushing myself too hard. The reason I'm like this is because ontop of overwhelming circumstances- I pushed it too hard and bit off more than I could chew!! Now I still try to take on things before I'm ready. I decided I was ready to get back into the social scene, thinking Id be okay. I attended a YSA activity that went for a whole day and that proved to just entirely waste me and caused me to be thrown into a downer -made me go backwards rather than forwards- along with one of the biggest panic attacks Ive ever experienced. So I'm more careful now as to what I can and cant handle.
A Long Road...
That's all I can say right now- which is ALOT. Congratulations for reading all the way down to this point! Ask me anything- If i see you or if you hear from me in any way - means the day is still good. You wont see me or hear from me on bad days. Its stressful to talk about- I tremble alot, but I like to talk about it, it relieves pressure. Though I find it very awkward to tell people whats happening with me now because well, nothing is happening apart from this depression and trying new things to enjoy life like painting projects, online stores and volunteer work at animal organisations and stables. I don't know what to say- I'm a very bluntly honest kind of person unfortunately and I struggle with hiding the truth from people I like (which is like 90% of people despite my disgust at people lowering that number), so I'm sorry if I've blurted it out awkwardly to you. I really just don't know what to say because people usually react negatively to you if you just tell them straight up whats really going on- like Depression is a contagious disease and you're spreading it. I'm truly grateful to the people who don't treat me differently. It makes socialising easier and less exhausting.
I'm still recovering. I'm getting better everyday. Fighting my demons one at a time. I'm exercising, I'm taking meds again and I don't know when Ill be okay again. I don't know who I'm going to be at the end of this. But I know now- well I HOPE now- that there will be an ending. That's progress. And I'm so grateful for just that little bit of hope. Its hard to accept that this isn't a short term thing. I'm so impatient at times and that seems to have intensified in that I get really frustrated that I'm not well by now. I'm angry alot- at my situation, at my actions, at my progress. But there is progress, though it may be slow...
Its a long road indeed.
A very long road...
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I feel old.
Aged.
But I haven't even hit the age of 20!
My bones are young. My mind is young.
I am young...
But yet i feel so very weary and i feel almost certain that if i look in the mirror, my face will reflect the weathered, tiredness i feel.
I have a great respect for older people.
They are so very wise and special.
They are Living history!
Time has taken their smooth image but I've always thought they get more beautiful the older they are.
They have already lived a life, made choices and experienced things i cant dream of being responsible for right now.
They have so much strength and a decidedness in everything they do and say.
I wish that i could just cut to the chase and be like them.
Lol No! I dont want to get wrinkles! Or false teeth and having to eat prunes on a reguar basis!
I want that spark in their eyes. The one that gives away the hidden wisdom. The one that speaks volumes of the sure knowledge that they have seen enough and done enough to know who they are and that they contributed to the world.
That they lived an adventure where they worked hard, they found joy, they had success and failure. They loved and lost, they tried and gave up, they were frightened and courageous.
They lived through this time in life. This time where everything I do decides my future.
Ive got to make hard choices.
Learn about the craft of a career path.
Stay healthy now so later ill live better.
Ive got to choose something i want to do.
Ive got to have some idea.
Be responsible.
And Ive got to plan plan plan.
Plant cherry trees.
The pressure to choose everything now, because now matters...
Makes my head hurt.
Because I have no idea WHAT to plan.
WHAT to learn.
WHAT choice to make?
I do not know who or what I want to be.
All i can figure out to say, when they ask me 'What do i want to be when i grow up?'
Happy.
Im growing up now... And i just don't know what to do!
HOW. How to get a happy life?
What do i love?
Do i want to go back to University?
What makes me happy?
What can i do with my talents?
Where do i go?
What do i say?
WHO am i now?
I'll change a hundred times over.
But to change from chalk to cheese is a tough line to be walking.
I wish i could have the wisdom of the elderly in that sense.
Wish i could know that ill end up doing something i love. That ill end up knowing who i am.
That ill find my way out of this head spin of a cross-road!
But for now,
Better get some painkillers for that headache!
Friday, February 17, 2012
So lately im randomly obsessed with this poem,
And well ...just Poetry in general.
Thought I'd share :)
"Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven"
by William Butler Yeats.
From The Wind Among the Reeds Volume 3, 1899.
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
Monday, February 6, 2012
I think its time we had a talk, a heart to heart.
This year is a special year. Much will be happening. Now i ask you...
Are you ready?
I wont lie to you... This year will be your hardest thus far. I know your heart will break some more this year before it heals and grows a greater capacity to love....to love yourself. Your fellow man. Your God.
I know it seems hard now. I know its tough. But I need you to listen. For it will ultimately save your life.
We both know you are not brave. We both know that you can barely lift a kilo without breaking a sweat. We both know you're a bit lost right now, a bit wishy-washy.
But this year i promise you that you will learn to be brave. You will learn to be stronger. You will calm your mind and focus... for this is what God would have you do.
Take these words of advice my friend,
Never compare yourself to another. That is the Adversarys greatest tool against you. He wants you to think of yourself as inadequate and incapable. You are not. How could a Child who has come from that great and glorious Being ever be worthless and un-remarkable? You are remarkable. You are a talented child of god. Trust that the Lord knew what he was doing in giving those talents to you. Trust that He will guide you in how to use them to help yourself and others.
Remember that you are not alone. I know you feel abandoned. Forgotten. Neglected. Unwanted by even yourself. But it will not last. You'll be wanted again soon but you've gotta work for it. Happiness and contentment doesn't come without an inner struggle against the flawed and lazy natural man. So be obedient. Pray often. And have faith that by travelling with your hold on the iron rod that you will learn to love yourself better and thus draw others to you.
Rest. Sleep is good for your body and mind, but what of your spirit? You already know that a restless spirit renders the mind slow and the body weary and no amount of sleep could revive you. So remember to take rest in the Lord. Calm your spirit, nourish it, give it living water before bed and you will walk and never faint. Let it talk with the lord in prayer and lay your burdens at his feet. His Atonement has already bourne them. Dont struggle with it until your too burnt out to even look up and live. He is always ready, willing and waiting. Dont deny him the chance to bless you.
You are Loved!! Greater love hath no man than He. It is one thing to say He died for you... but we both know the greater offering of love for you was before then. He felt the pain of your breaking heart. He felt the suffering of your soul. He felt the weight of hurt and disappointment you carry. He felt the deep weariness. He knows. He understands. And He knows how to overcome it and dispel the sadness that lodges itself within your heart until it incapacitates you. He has done it all willingly because he loves you. Hold onto the moments that you felt of his love. Revisit journal entries. Read your patriarchal blessing. Can you feel that great compassion and perfect love in the words? He will never let you down or abandon you. Trust in Him. He wants you to lean on Him. He WILL heal you.
Do not be afraid. How to be brave? You are fearful person because you fear failure. Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is taking that step into the darkness, despite the fear that fills your mind, with a faithful hope that you will be looked after. And you will be! Remember Joshua 1:9. He is always with you.
Read between the lines. In scripture study especially. Thats when he'll speak the loudest to you through the Holy Ghost. And sometimes the most important details are hidden from your immediate view. Seek out the messages and signs and let them lead.
Be grateful.
Never forget. You have been given so much. Let him know. Let others know. But dont think though he has given you so much you dont deserve to ask for more. He has blessings ready to give you, so much so that you will not have room to recieve it. He WANTS to give them to you. But you've gotta ask first.
SMILE. You carry that happiness with you naturally. Dont be afriad to let it shine!! Too many walk in darkness and it only takes seven muscles to brighten someones day :).
Think on these words. They will lead you to a happier life. A better year despite the hardship awaiting. Dont forget to remember me in the dark hours. Remember that you. are. good. Your heart is good. Your spirit is good. Your mind is good. You will be well! You will bear the road ahead with hope and faith. Remember who you are and what is important. Ill never be far from you.
All my love,
Bekah :) xx
This year is a special year. Much will be happening. Now i ask you...
Are you ready?
I wont lie to you... This year will be your hardest thus far. I know your heart will break some more this year before it heals and grows a greater capacity to love....to love yourself. Your fellow man. Your God.
I know it seems hard now. I know its tough. But I need you to listen. For it will ultimately save your life.
We both know you are not brave. We both know that you can barely lift a kilo without breaking a sweat. We both know you're a bit lost right now, a bit wishy-washy.
But this year i promise you that you will learn to be brave. You will learn to be stronger. You will calm your mind and focus... for this is what God would have you do.
Take these words of advice my friend,
Rest. Sleep is good for your body and mind, but what of your spirit? You already know that a restless spirit renders the mind slow and the body weary and no amount of sleep could revive you. So remember to take rest in the Lord. Calm your spirit, nourish it, give it living water before bed and you will walk and never faint. Let it talk with the lord in prayer and lay your burdens at his feet. His Atonement has already bourne them. Dont struggle with it until your too burnt out to even look up and live. He is always ready, willing and waiting. Dont deny him the chance to bless you.
Do not be afraid. How to be brave? You are fearful person because you fear failure. Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is taking that step into the darkness, despite the fear that fills your mind, with a faithful hope that you will be looked after. And you will be! Remember Joshua 1:9. He is always with you.
Read between the lines. In scripture study especially. Thats when he'll speak the loudest to you through the Holy Ghost. And sometimes the most important details are hidden from your immediate view. Seek out the messages and signs and let them lead.
Be grateful.
Never forget. You have been given so much. Let him know. Let others know. But dont think though he has given you so much you dont deserve to ask for more. He has blessings ready to give you, so much so that you will not have room to recieve it. He WANTS to give them to you. But you've gotta ask first.SMILE. You carry that happiness with you naturally. Dont be afriad to let it shine!! Too many walk in darkness and it only takes seven muscles to brighten someones day :).
Think on these words. They will lead you to a happier life. A better year despite the hardship awaiting. Dont forget to remember me in the dark hours. Remember that you. are. good. Your heart is good. Your spirit is good. Your mind is good. You will be well! You will bear the road ahead with hope and faith. Remember who you are and what is important. Ill never be far from you.
All my love,
Bekah :) xx
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