I feel old.

Aged.

But I haven't even hit the age of 20!

My bones are young. My mind is young.

I am young...

But yet i feel so very weary and i feel almost certain that if i look in the mirror, my face will reflect the weathered, tiredness i feel.

I have a great respect for older people. 

They are so very wise and special.

They are Living history!

Time has taken their smooth image but I've always thought they get more beautiful the older they are.

They have already lived a life, made choices and experienced things i cant dream of being responsible for right now.

They have so much strength and a decidedness in everything they do and say.

I wish that i could just cut to the chase and be like them.

Lol No! I dont want to get wrinkles! Or false teeth and having to eat prunes on a reguar basis! 

I want that spark in their eyes. The one that gives away the hidden wisdom. The one that speaks volumes of the sure knowledge that they have seen enough and done enough to know who they are and that they contributed to the world.

That they lived an adventure where they worked hard, they found joy, they had success and failure. They loved and lost, they tried and gave up, they were frightened and courageous. 

They lived through this time in life. This time where everything I do decides my future.

Ive got to make hard choices. 

Learn about the craft of a career path.

Stay healthy now so later ill live better.

Ive got to choose something i want to do.

Ive got to have some idea.

Be responsible.

And Ive got to plan plan plan.

Plant cherry trees.

The pressure to choose everything now, because now matters...

Makes my head hurt.

Because I have no idea WHAT to plan.

WHAT to learn.

WHAT choice to make?

I do not know who or what I want to be.

All i can figure out to say, when they ask me 'What do i want to be when i grow up?'

Happy.

Im growing up now... And i just don't know what to do!

HOW. How to get a happy life?

What do i love?

Do i want to go back to University?

What makes me happy?

What can i do with my talents?

Where do i go?

What do i say?

WHO am i now?

I'll change a hundred times over.

But to change from chalk to cheese is a tough line to be walking.

I wish i could have the wisdom of the elderly in that sense.

Wish i could know that ill end up doing something i love. That ill end up knowing who i am.

That ill find my way out of this head spin of a cross-road!

But for now,

Better get some painkillers for that headache!

a Word of Poetry.

So lately im randomly obsessed with this poem,

And well ...just Poetry in general.

Thought I'd share :)

"Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven"

 by William Butler Yeats. 

From The Wind Among the Reeds Volume 3, 1899.

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Dear Self,

I think its time we had a talk, a heart to heart.
This year is a special year. Much will be happening. Now i ask you...
Are you ready?
I wont lie to you... This year will be your hardest thus far. I know your heart will break some more this year before it heals and grows a greater capacity to love....to love yourself. Your fellow man. Your God.
I know it seems hard now. I know its tough. But I need you to listen. For it will ultimately save your life.

We both know you are not brave. We both know that you can barely lift a kilo without breaking a sweat. We both know you're a bit lost right now,  a bit wishy-washy.
But this year i promise you that you will learn to be brave. You will learn to be stronger. You will calm your mind and focus... for this is what God would have you do.

Take these words of advice my friend,

Never compare yourself to another. That is the Adversarys greatest tool against you. He wants you to think of yourself as inadequate and incapable. You are not. How could a Child who has come from that great and glorious Being ever be worthless and un-remarkable? You are remarkable. You are a talented child of god. Trust that the Lord knew what he was doing in giving those talents to you. Trust that He will guide you in how to use them to help yourself and others.

Remember that you are not alone. I know you feel abandoned. Forgotten. Neglected. Unwanted by even yourself. But it will not last. You'll be wanted again soon but you've gotta work for it. Happiness and contentment doesn't come without an inner struggle against the flawed and lazy natural man. So be obedient. Pray often. And have faith that by travelling with your hold on the iron rod that you will learn to love yourself better and thus draw others to you.

Rest. Sleep is good for your body and mind, but what of your spirit? You already know that a restless spirit renders the mind slow and the body weary and no amount of sleep could revive you. So remember to take rest in the Lord. Calm your spirit, nourish it, give it living water before bed and you will walk and never faint. Let it talk with the lord in prayer and lay your burdens at his feet. His Atonement has already bourne them. Dont struggle with it until your too burnt out to even look up and live. He is always ready, willing and waiting. Dont deny him the chance to bless you.

You are Loved!! Greater love hath no man than He. It is one thing to say He died for you... but we both know the greater offering of love for you was before then. He felt the pain of your breaking heart. He felt the suffering of your soul. He felt the weight of hurt and disappointment you carry. He felt the deep weariness. He knows. He understands. And He knows how to overcome it and dispel the sadness that lodges itself within your heart until it incapacitates you. He has done it all willingly because he loves you. Hold onto the moments that you felt of his love. Revisit journal entries. Read your patriarchal blessing. Can you feel that great compassion and perfect love in the words? He will never let you down or abandon you. Trust in Him. He wants you to lean on Him. He WILL heal you.

Do not be afraid. How to be brave? You are fearful person because you fear failure. Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is taking that step into the darkness, despite the fear that fills your mind, with a faithful hope that you will be looked after. And you will be! Remember Joshua 1:9. He is always with you.

Read between the lines. In scripture study especially. Thats when he'll speak the loudest to you through the Holy Ghost. And sometimes the most important details are hidden from your immediate view. Seek out the messages and signs and let them lead.

Be grateful.
Never forget. You have been given so much. Let him know. Let others know. But dont think though he has given you so much you dont deserve to ask for more. He has blessings ready to give you, so much so that you will not have room to recieve it. He WANTS to give them to you. But you've gotta ask first.

SMILE. You carry that happiness with you naturally. Dont be afriad to let it shine!! Too many walk in darkness and it only takes seven muscles to brighten someones day :).

Think on these words. They will lead you to a happier life. A better year despite the hardship awaiting. Dont forget to remember me in the dark hours. Remember that you. are. good. Your heart is good. Your spirit is good. Your mind is good. You will be well! You will bear the road ahead with hope and faith. Remember who you are and what is important. Ill never be far from you.

All my love,

Bekah :) xx