Yes.
I am going to write an entire blog post on the sole act of reading a novel.
Depression takes alot from you and also, strangely, gives back to you in weird unrecognizable ways. Like all trials do I guess.
I used to LOVE to read. Id chew up books like Id eat dinner after a fast Sunday! I loved all stories and words. I thought some of the most beautiful things Id ever see in this world came from the images conjoured up from the pages of a book. I even seriously considered becoming a Librarian at one point :).
But depression took away some very core parts of me. Amoung casualties are that journal writing doesnt happen anymore. Drawing/painting things just for me, not for someone else, doesnt happen anymore. And reading for pleasure doesnt happen anymore.
They tell me it will all come back in time and that my brain is still recovering and re-activating and my body is still correcting all the imbalances but as Ive said before, Im VERY impatient. And I feel like Im some kind of war veteran with missing limbs you know?? Its weird living without these parts of me that brought me so much joy in the past.
Ive tried to do it all again, to read, to paint for myself and to write in my journal. All can be started...but its like beating my head against a brick wall!! And its frustrating!!! It came so easily to me before, it was as easy as breathing but now its like... Im trying to pull a massive boulder up a mountain!!
Relapse, high, relapse, high, relapse, high. Cycle, cycle.
In highs, I attempt to reclaim what Ive lost. In the relapses... I WANT to so badly, I want to create, I want to achieve... but forming sentences to explain how I feel or trying to remember what I had for breakfast is like a stuttery mess. Mind just goes bonkers and nothing looks normal and the world is my enemy.
Im on a high right now, and I hope this one lasts :). Im excited for this New Year and all the possibilities it holds. I can do ANYTHING I WANT!! :D! I can BE whatever I want!!
I decided this year is the year Im going to take back my life, and I know its going to be really tough but Im excited all the same.
While Im feeling good and thinking straight, Ive applied for Uni in studying French and Film and Media :). Im really excited about this. Its going to be really hard but Ive decided to love and cherish every minute of it.
And.... Back to the subject.... :P
Ive begun to reclaim my ability to read and focus and remember what Im reading!!!
I read this book. And it was amazing.
Even though it was slow-going and I had to re-read almost every paragrah a few times before I could focus on the words and remember... It felt really good to achieve a New Years resolution and to do something that I used to love so much!!
And far out, I never stopped loving reading!! :D
I bet this is just the beginnng, that its just going to be hard for a while but once I get back into it Ill think straighter and focus better and Im REALLY excited about that!!!
2013 will be beautiful. I just know it.
