I decided this year is the year Im going to take back my life, and I know its going to be really tough but Im excited all the same.
Relapse, high, relapse, high, relapse, high. Cycle, cycle.
Im excited for this New Year and all the possibilities it holds. I can do ANYTHING I WANT!! :D! I can BE whatever I want!! - Me, February 2013
I...
I tried. I tried really really hard. I did my best.
'not good enough'
'you didnt try hard enough.'
'youre pathetic'
2013, I took up school again. I studied a Bachelor of Modern Languages. This decision was based on 'i liked languages once. i bet this is the path for me. Lets be a linguist'.
The first semester comes and goes. Pressure for assignments mount.
'youre not working hard enough'
'why aren't you studying. its not that hard, this is easy to understand, why don't you get it like everyone else?'
'stupid lazy girl, GET. UP.'
words mash together and distort on the page. i cannot focus on sentences.
so i use flash cards.
memory memory,
why don't you remember?
its easy, so easy, the people you practice with remember, why don't you?
what the hell is wrong with you?
the first exam goes by. i turn up 3 days early for it, because i mixed up the days.
When i finally get through it on the right day and get my results- all my hard work boiled down to 52/100. I passed by 2 points. My lowest academic score ever.
Second semester. I struggle. I fail. I'm forced to drop out.
'pathetic'
'you never finish what you start'
'you're a nobody again, you're nothing'
'you're a dead-end kind of person'
'worthless'
'failure'
So i try to get into the work force. But nobody wants a 21 year old with no qualifications or experience. The rejection letters and emails pile up.
'you're terrible at this.'
'nobody wants you'
'good for nothing'
'why are you even applying for that job? you'll never get it'
'see? just give up'
'end it. now.'
'you're a disappointment'
Suddenly, its 'HAPPY NEW YEAR!'. Everyone reflects. The patches of memory i can recall are only a string of failures.
Surely there's more than that?
Surely something more happened. I know something did... i know it did...
why isn't it there?
the thing is... with time everything fades.
my daily battle is my memory.
i wake up tired. i put on all the weight i lost in 2013 and then some.
i dont dream. i have no ideas.
i dont feel. Social interactions is this constant exhausting dialog in my head.
'oh shes telling me shes engaged. thats good news so smile'
'now shes talking about trouble with wedding organising. bad. quick, frown and nod in agreement'
'the baby is doing something, quick copy the 'awws''
'they got ripped off at the store, i should be angry, act appropriately outraged'
I struggle to feel anything apart from the bad stuff. its either nothing or extreme sadness, extreme elation or extreme anger.
Im getting good at normalcy though-well i think i am. I know im getting better despite everything.
I also know people are dying. I know war is happening, famine and much worse things than what im going through.
It doesnt change how i feel though. It doesnt change that this... thing... in my brain is the hardest and most crippling thing ive ever faced.
im so sad. im so so so sad.
i guess im still mourning the loss of my future i worked so hard for. I am guilty of asking 'why? why now? why did you do this to me. I did everything right, i did what you asked me to do. why, why did you take what was so precious to me away? why freeze me in this hell while everyone else gets blessed and moves on with their lives?! this isnt fair, why are you punishing me so.. what did i do...'
I am at war within myself.
The good things I have keep me alive. I have a dog, who gives me purpose when the dark doesn't consume. I have a family, who i know loves me, (though i feel nothing as a result of this weird no feelings thing, everything is logical conclusions) and a calling which brings me points of light in grey and shapeless days. I'm grateful my body is getting stronger despite still being so tired and weak, I'm definately stronger and I can go for longer and longer each time.
But this is the pits.
I don't have anything to say most of the time to people so i've been working on trying to figure out how to small talk and well.. talk... again. Its so hard to say what you mean though, i mess up my words a lot.
I still don't know what is real and what is not. Like people judging me and other anxieties- i don't know whats just in my head and what is real. At the same time as me wanting to be remembered and included and not left behind as everyone moves on with their lives- i simultaneously want no one to talk to me or come near me. hugs? skype chats? out of the question.
I guess its fair to say i'm a pretty messed up piece of crap and a pretty terrible human being right now.
Im getting better though. with no hope on my horizons, its my small miracle that I'm getting better at all.
