Coming home after living in a quiet house was great :) i didnt realise i had missed it so much.
The backyard plum tree is blossoming and the bees are going crazy! i spent the sunny days outside under the tree playing guitar or just staring dreamily off into space, one of my favourite things to do ;). i spent my days playing piano, guitar, singing at the top of my lungs, driving, gardening and reading. I didnt realise what was quite just a little off with everything i did until i went home...i had forgotten what i loved in the wake of so much work! It was seriously refreshing to go home.
But going home gave me another startling realisation. Walking through the doors, i felt like a stranger almost. It was weird! my family was there, my memories were there, my familiarity was there... but it wasnt quite the same as it was before.
Coming through the door to Jess and Anthonys today and setting down my bags in the room that has my bed, i felt again that i was a stranger here.
Pondering certain things under the blossom tree i have come to a conclusion which Im positive every person on the planet has felt at one stage.
No Mans Land.
the internet defines no mans land as:
- land that is unowned and uninhabited (and usually undesirable)
- twilight zone: the ambiguous region between two categories or states or conditions (usually containing some features of both)
- an unoccupied area between opposing armies
And then there is my definition:
- the category one finds herself in when she does not fit anywhere else. (usually occurs after significant change or transition)
It seems Im in No Mans Land again!
The first time I ever experienced No Mans Land was going from Primary School to High School. Your maturity seems to take a leap that falls short of the 'fitting in' mark, so your too childish to be one of the cool high school kids, but your too grown up to play in the playground with the Primary School children. Hence, you fall into No Mans Land, not belonging anywhere for a season until you stop wearing your Saddle Club T-shirt under your High School uniform and thus be accepted into the High School crowd.
Second time was turning 18 this year. Making the move from Youth to YSA was like being thrown in the deep end and forgetting how to swim! Not only was going from being able to buy a 'child' ticket to and 'adult' ticket at the movies strange enough, but along with various other perks and falls came the go ahead to 'date'. Never before had i encountered such pressure to ask boys out and to 'look ten' so i would be appealing in some way! Because of these new found responsibilities, i entered no mans land where i was not quite comfortable or recognised in my new YSA category, but accepted as too grown up for YW and too old to hang out with youth.
Having finally shed that No Mans Land feeling just recently in finally feeling apart of the YSA and not just a floater.... Im quite disappointed to find im there again!
Where my parents are doesnt quite feel like home and where my bed is doesnt quite feel like home, golly gosh! Im in NO MANS LAND!!! ahhhh!
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